Space Oddity

           I recently was given occasion to think of myself superimposed on the song Ordinary Man (by Christy Moore), but as solitary rather than ordinary - solitary man, nothing special, nothing grand.
           I think it was brought on by a friend asking me at an occasion, whether another mutual friend was with me. When she first asked, I actually first thought of another mutual friend with the same name, so wasn't sure why she was asking, but when I realsised who she was talking about, replied no (this is all split second stuff btw). At this my friend pulled an astonished face, as if this were some extraordinary thing, like we were joined at the hip and never went anywhere without each other, whereas whilst we are good friends, we don't spend that much time with each other.
          I've always been independant - I'd go to the office at school by myself for example, but had friends, and was sure that I would one day marry and have children. But with the past year I've had (and I think the couple of years before that) it's made me slightly depressed and wonder whether I have ever made a mark on anyone, or whether it's me that people can't mark.
          When I moved for work a couple of years ago, I decided to share as I had missed the company of my family the last time I had moved. Due to the layout of the house though, my housemate and I don't spend much time in proximity to each other, which was alright because at the time I had work and the ability to go over to my friends and to the activity I enjoyed. About a year ago though, I lost both, and whilst I could get lifts to certain things, I stopped seeing my close friend. Admitedly I never invited her over to my place that often, though on the odd occasion I did, she had work the next day and was too tired so wouldn't come. And she and another friend who used to come over to my place regularly stopped for good reasons, but then never came back when that reason was over.
          I've stayed where I am, rather than moving immediately back in with my family (in a different city), partly due to a few medical appointments and partly due to my feeling a failure if I do: not only do I not have a partner (and have only ever managed to have one) but also no job. In thinking about reasons to move back, have been that more of my long term close friends are in my home city, and yet just recently, two of those same friends forgot that it was my birthday and when another friend remembered and wished me happy birthday publically, after the general round of well wishes from those nearby, they didn't come up and wish me a happy birthday personally. Admittedly they did have their two young kids with them and may have been distracted somewhat, but it still hurt.
            Oh and remember that whole one partner thing? Well recently a friend kissed me, and when I contacted him a few days later, wanting to talk about it, as he hadn't called or sent a message, and was in the same city, he wanted to but wasn't able. Three months later, with still no message, I decide to push the issue and see if he wanted to catch up. He did, but after dinner and back at his place, no indication that he had any other interest other than friendship. So when I head off he asks if he can walk me back to my car. Remember what I said about the office at school? Well normally I would have said no, but thought that this time I should say yes to see what happens. So off we go - and when we get there I thank him for a good night, he opens his arms for a hug, we do so and then I stand on tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, step back as I think I stepped on his foot, go back in, and I think he was aiming for the mouth, as he got just on the edge of my lips, but didn't kiss me again where he had meant (as had happened many years ago with the first man). And a week later and no contact.
           Now I know we're no longer in a time where it's the man that has to do the chasing for all to be seemly, but he made the first move, and I made it obvious I was interested and yet nothing more. Do I just ignore it and keep to my solitary self (a la the David Bowie title) and miss out on the chance of something good?

 From all of the above, I think it's fairly obvious that I'm not that cut off, though a friend did ask me to visit her on my way back home last as I was up for a wedding and I made my excuses, so there must be a part of me frozen in there somewhere and as the Proclaimers say, for every bit of love a part of you dies. I just don't know what to do, and had to get this down to express it somehow other than have it swim around in my head with images of me dieing in a car crash un-mourned apart from my family. Not that anyone reads this blog and will make a comment or suggestion on my torment.